


Mended shield, broken heart

by laireshi



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Trailer, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-08 13:24:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12865407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laireshi/pseuds/laireshi
Summary: “I’m coming,” Steve said, quiet and serious.“I know,” Tony replied.They’d save the world or they’d die side by side, but nottogether, not ever again.





	Mended shield, broken heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Comicsohwhyohwhy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Comicsohwhyohwhy/gifts).



> MCU TONY IS ALWAYS YOUR FAULT.
> 
> TRAILER SPOILERS! (I do try to avoid behind the scenes pictures/other spoilers, though, so you should be safe on that account--but also please don't spoil me with these!)
> 
> Apparently the trailer gave me Tony feels? Namely, how he'd have to give the shield back to Steve and what it would mean to him.
> 
> Also a fill for the PTSD square on my bingo card.

Tony Stark was a futurist.

He knew what was coming. He might not have known the details, or the time, but he knew that Earth would face an invasion sooner or later, that the alien ships that still haunted his nightmares would appear once more, that he’d have to _be ready_ and save his world. 

And he knew that meant he’d have to do things he didn’t want to do.

Take the burner phone, for example: he wanted to break it and throw it out and never look at it again, a reminder of what was lost, but he couldn’t do it. When the time came, he’d—the world—would need everyone, working together. And he knew exactly where Steve was, he could find other ways of contacting him, but Wakandan tech wasn’t that easy to hack, and Tony couldn’t afford to get rid of the surest way of calling help.

It wasn’t about his feelings, after all.

The shield was another such reminder. At first, Tony put it in a safe, out of his sight. He couldn’t look at it without feeling the phantom pain in his chest, dangerously like his ribs breaking and his lungs hurting and the paralysing fear as the arc reactor in his armour shattered and for a moment Tony’d expected his heart to stop working, too.

(But no, he wasn’t so lucky, he hadn’t depended on it to live then, the injury wasn’t quite so _immediate_.)

Of course, the new arc reactor set in his chest was the final reminder, and one he couldn’t just lock away. The metallic case merged with his body had never stopped being familiar, but it didn’t mean it wasn’t foreign, too. He designed this newest model so that he could control his armour even better, wired it into his nervous system, but its primary function was still to keep his heart going, because with his armour dead and broken, his body couldn’t have withstood the force of the vibranium shield hitting him, and so in the end Steve had broken his heart in every way imaginable.

(He wanted to melt down the ring, but he couldn’t make himself do it; the inscription on the inside, _Together_ , mocking him. In the end, he hid it in his lowest drawer, buried under piles of clothes he wouldn’t wear again.)

*** 

Tony prepared.

He never stopped keeping the phone near him, charged at all times. It was always deep in his pocket if he was out or in a closed drawer in his desk if he was at home, but it was always _there_ , a lifeline that he desperately didn’t want, but that was necessary.

The shield came next. He took it out of the safe and spent long minutes just trying to breathe evenly. He wasn’t in Siberia anymore: he was in his lab, as safe as he’d ever be, and the air was warm and dry, climate controls making sure of that. 

He scanned it and then he set it on the table, forcing himself to keep it visible, and opened new project files and designed. He couldn’t quite get into the mindset he needed and he wanted a drink but knew he needed to be sober for this. No one outside of Wakanda knew how to work with vibranium, not really, but even if he lost everything else, he was still a damn genius.

He managed to polish down the scratches, at last, not completely, but enough so no blade could be wedged between them and used to leverage it. The edges were as sharp as always, of course; Tony had first-hand knowledge of that, and his tests showed him as much. He fixed the straps to hold it, made sure they couldn’t break, not even in a long fight.

He worked on his armour, adding more experimental tech, blurring the line between his own body and the suit even further; he worked on Rhodey’s armour too, and he added fail-safe after fail-safe until Rhodey told him to give it a rest.

He got drunk enough he could barely walk, and he crawled towards the drawer with the ring, and maybe there was something right with the world after all because he passed out before he could open it. He woke up disgusted at himself, but that wasn’t new. He should’ve known not to trust happiness, he should’ve done so many things differently, he should’ve been the better man; _he should stop missing Steve_.

He designed more armours and built more weapons and made more plans and none of them helped him sleep at night because he knew he’d never be ready, not really.

 _You could have saved us_ , he remembered, but maybe he couldn’t.

***

He didn’t panic when the ships showed up in the sky. He was terrified, but he didn’t panic, because he had plans and he knew what to do, at least to start with.

He texted Rhodey and he broke the stone Strange gave him in case he needed to alert him, and he spared a moment to wish he had a way of contacting Thor, and then he looked at the burner phone and swallowed.

There was only one number saved on it. Tony had memorised it by now.

Steve picked up on the first signal. 

_If you need me, I’ll be there._

“Tony?” Steve said, and hearing his voice hurt almost physically.

It wasn’t _Tony_ who needed Steve. Tony was used to being alone and unwanted, Tony could go on, Tony—Tony needed someone to help him save the world, and he may have hated it, but that was what it was; he was a hero, and if talking to Steve seemed worse than facing the hordes of aliens right now, well, he could do it.

“Rogers,” he said. “They’re here.”

Steve didn’t ask who. He listened to Tony’s instructions, not interrupting for once.

“I’m coming,” he said, quiet and serious.

“I know,” Tony replied.

They’d save the world or they’d die side by side, but not _together_ , not ever again.

***

Tony flew to Wakanda; in the end it turned out most of Thanos’ forces were there, but in all of his planning, Tony failed to prepare for what seeing Steve would do to him. He was grateful for the armour hiding his face.

Steve was in medical when Tony got to him, stripped to the waist. He clearly tried to sell the _man on the run_ role. He had a beard that did nothing to hide his ragged expression that reminded Tony of a mirror a bit too much. Tony skimmed his eyes over Steve’s body, cataloguing the injuries: a swollen shoulder, a long cut on his arm, a multitude of bruises.

A chain with dogtags and a ring on it.

Tony averted his eyes.

“Tony,” Steve said, just like he did on the phone. He stood up and stepped towards Tony, stopping himself after two steps.

Tony swallowed. It was never supposed to be like that.

“You forgot something,” he said, the armour making sure no one would hear how his voice was shaking.

He passed Steve the shield. For a moment, they were both holding it; for a moment, it was like nothing ever happened.

It didn’t last.

Steve took it with a grim nod.

“Be safe,” Tony said. _Win_.

“You too,” Steve said.

No reassurances, this time, no promises that could only get broken. 

They had a world to save. They already failed at everything else.


End file.
